It’s been a little over a month since I returned to the working world and we are all still adjusting. It is certainly strange. I can only liken it to living two lives and trying to merge them. I was an employee and a wife before Monkey came around; then I was a mum full time when Monkey arrived and was able to keep that life for four months; now I am a part time mum, full time employee, and a wife sometime in between… the only way to describe this new life is complicated!
It is safe to say that this is still a work in progress… hubby has been instrumental at keeping our house moving. Without him, we would be drowning in washing for sure! Nothing is perfect and we are still working out the kinks. Our relationship has had to become more scheduled, which is hard for hubby. We are trying a “date night” once a week at home. I need a scheduled night so that I don’t feel like I am pulling him away from something and also so that I remember that we are doing it. Might sound strange to some, but for me… its how my brain is wired. Too many things going on, if its not on my calendar, its not going to happen!
I have been working a ton since I went back. September is one of the busiest months in my line of work, so over time has been abundant. The only issue is that with pumping and wanting to spend what little time I can with Monkey, overtime is stressful. I have been able to stay on top of my pumping, although I am constantly paranoid that I will not have enough milk pumped each day for her to eat. We do have a freezer stash, but I don’t want to use that unless we need it. I try to stay a day ahead (so I am not pumping for the following day, but rather the day after), but some days it is hard. I am lucky in that I am usually able to work from home at night. I generally get home, spend time with Monkey and hubby, eat dinner, get Monkey ready for bed, put her to bed and then start working. That means I am usually working from 7:30am-5:pm and then from 8pm to between 10/11pm. Makes for a very long day, but I want to spend time with Monkey, so its the trade off.
Before returning to work I felt myself pulling away from her. Like I was trying to emotionally distance myself so that leaving her would not hurt as much. I still think I am doing it a little bit, but not nearly as much. It is very tough. Even thinking about it now is making me sad… but there is not much we can do about it right now. I do enjoy working… but I love being a mum. I really feel like, for me, the two do not coexist at all. I know some working mother’s do well with the two lives blending and mixing… maybe in time this will happen for me too. Until then, I will just have count downs to the holidays when I have time off planned.